Grade 5

Informational

Writing Extended Response

Compose Full Texts

Ready for a Nap

Conventions

Evidence/Elaboration

Organization/Purpose

This response receives No Score because it is off-purpose. The assigned task is to “develop a main idea about hibernation” and write an informational article that is several paragraphs long. This response clearly is intended to tell a fictional story about some black bears. There are no elements present that attempt to inform the reader.

This response receives a No Score because it is insufficient. The response is primarily copied directly from the source material, with only occasional minor changes to wording, with “opening to her tunnel” revised to read “entrance of the den” being the most significant change. The amount of original writing is not sufficient to demonstrate the ability to construct a full essay.

Many common words are misspelled, including “kils” (kills), “anemals” (animals), “faines” (finds), “roten” (rotten), “olso” (also), and “sllep” (sleep).
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No capital letters are used, even for the beginnings of sentences.

End punctuation is sometimes used, but no other efforts to punctuate are evident with the exception of the ellipses in paragraph 1, which have no real purpose.

The first paragraph consists of two run-on sentences.

Incorrect word choices result in multiple grammatical flaws.

The writer includes snippets of evidence from the sources, but no attributions are made.

There is little to no evidence of attempts at elaboration in this essay; it is a collection of random, isolated details from the source material. As a result, there is no evidence of an appropriate style.

This response lacks a controlling idea to provide the essay some focus.

There is no real introduction present, although there is an attempt at a conclusion (“and thas how they get hibetrnation.”).

There is one attempt at a transition, although it is a weak one (“and more they olso…”).

The ideas are randomly ordered, with no connections between them.

Words are spelled correctly with the exception of typos in the words “sometimews” and “the” instead of “they” in sentence 1.
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At times, hibernation is capitalized when it does not begin a sentence.
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There is a missing apostrophe in sentence 1 (“so when its fall…”) and several instances where commas are needed to separate an introductory element (e.g., “When the hibernation is over[,] the cubs will be big…”). Commas are also missing in compound sentences (e.g., “the cubs will be big[,] and they will not need there mother…”).
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Most sentences contain structural flaws, resulting in run-on sentences (e.g., sentence 1) and awkward constructions (“But when they Hibernate the animals take food where they will stay during there Hibernation so they will sometimews wake up have a little snack and times they go to go flush it out the go back to sleep.”).
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In sentence 3, the pronoun “she” does not agree with its antecedent “mother bears.” There are errors with frequently confused words (“its” instead of “it’s” and “there” instead of “their”).

The writer attempts to include some evidence from at least one of the sources, but no attributions are made in this 1-point response. The student is imprecise in using source information, stating “Sometimes mother bears take three cubs to the den” when source 1 indicates that a mother bear usually gives birth to two or three cubs inside the den.

There is minimal evidence of attempts at elaboration in this one-paragraph essay; it is mostly a rundown of somewhat random facts culled from the source material.

The ideas run together, causing confusion and demonstrating a lack of awareness of the audience’s needs. The writer does not show the ability to use an appropriate style.

The controlling idea is relatively ambiguous (“Preparing for Hibernation is a big thing for bears and other animals”).

There is no  introduction present, although there is an attempt at a conclusion (“So next winter think about how you are warm…”).

The reader has to work hard to find a progression in the ideas, which do not flow smoothly from one to the next (e.g., “they have to eat all spring and summer so when its fall the have to find a place to sleep in.”).

There are quite a few misspellings of words, including some that would be common for fifth graders (“asleap,” “ther,” “bers,” “trully,” “scientist”). Typos also count as spelling errors, including “the” (“they”), “thin” (“thing”), and “th” (“the”).
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Capitalization is generally correct with the exception of “im” in the first sentence and “november” in paragraph 2.
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In paragraph 1, apostrophes are missing in the first (“im”) and last sentences (“its called hibernation.”). Commas are sometimes missing to separate an introductory phrase (e.g., “When the fall in deep sleep[,] its called hibernation.”).
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The repeated use of the word “so” to introduce sentences leads to issues with obvious fragments (e.g., “So source number 3 says.”; “So a report from one of the sientist and it says bers trully hibernate.”). Most of the sentences in this response have issues with awkward constructions (e.g., “Then it says that when winter starts fading in the bear mostly chooses to go in its den such as a dry space under a big rock.”).
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Verb tense is generally correct and free of inappropriate shifts. Sentence 2 of the final paragraph should say “In the fall a bear fattens up on acorns and other high-fat foods.” The next-to-last sentence has an error with a frequently confused word (“There” instead of “Their”).

The writer utilizes some evidence from the source materials as support in each of the three body paragraphs, but the evidence is weakly integrated into the essay in this low 2-point response.

There is minimal evidence of attempts at elaboration (“They go into ther dens for months and don’t wake up until spring is here. They come out of ther dens looking skinny because they did not eat for months.”), but the attempts don’t go much beyond restating the source information.

The language use is uneven, repetitive, and frequently ineffective (“So source number 2 says that. So the passage says that we think that bears hibernate.”); overall, there does not appear to be much of an attempt to create an appropriate style.

This response has a controlling idea contained in the introduction (“But the question is do bears truly hibernate.”), but there are occasional drifts in focus.

Details from source 1 are included in the opening paragraph, but there is a weak connection to how this proves that bears hibernate.

There is a weak introduction (“So im going to be writing about hibernation in my own words.”) and an equally weak conclusion (“So bears do hibernate.”) that is tacked on to the final body paragraph.

Transitions are limited to the repetitious use of the word “So” and phrases like “Then it says….”

A progression of ideas is attempted, with each paragraph addressing one of the three sources in the order they were presented, but there are unclear connections between ideas, which are confusing to the reader. This is particularly true in the first paragraph where the writer fails to show the connection between a bear’s eating habits and hibernation.

Words are spelled correctly with the exception of the word “ether.” There are no capitalization issues.

Commas are needed after introductory elements (e.g., “After that[,] they build a bed made from leaves and brush.” “As the bear sleeps[,] its temperature drops…”). There is also a missing apostrophe in a contraction (“Its hard but is not easy.”).
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There is one fragment in paragraph 3: “For example, a steep hill under the roots of a tree.”
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The response is generally grammatical, although &#8220;forest&#8221; should be plural in the last sentence of paragraph 2 to make sense. “Its” should be “It’s” in the final sentence.

The writer utilizes some evidence from all three sources, but no attributions are made. The student is imprecise in using source information in paragraph 4, applying the temperature drop for hibernating woodchucks to bears.

There is minimal evidence of attempts at elaboration; the essay is primarily a partial summary of the source material.

The language use is generally appropriate, but the response relies primarily on the wording of the sources and does not develop its own style. Some repetition causes confusion (“Its hard but is not easy.”) in this 2-point response.

This response has a controlling idea most effectively stated in the conclusion (“Just because hibernation isn’t easy to study doesn’t mean we don’t know anything about it.”). The difficulty of studying hibernation is not adequately explored (the explanation in the first paragraph is only partially accurate because of the challenges of seeing inside the dens during hibernation and the fact that the bears most available for studying are zoo bears who do not follow natural sleeping and eating cycles).

The introduction is present, although rather weak, and the conclusion is redundant (“Its hard but is not easy.”).

There are some transitions present (“First,” “For example,” “After that,” “Now it is time…”).

A progression of ideas is attempted, although connections between ideas is not always clear (e.g., “Food is scarce close to winter, so animals have to be extra fast if they want to catch it.”).

Sentences are generally correct, but there is one comma splice (“It is proved that a bear is a in-between hibernator, it really only takes a long winter nap.”) as well as one fragment (“That bears hibernate to help save energy and survive, they store fat in there bodies to keep warm, and that bears do not sleep all winter long.”).
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There is a pronoun/antecedent issue in paragraph 2, sentence 1 (“a bear hibernates because it helps them save energy”), and the writer has errors with frequently confused words, using “there” instead of “their” throughout the response (e.g., “bears have to store fat in there bodies”). There is also an incorrect use of an article (“a eating binge” should be “an eating binge”).
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The lack of an apostrophe to indicate possession in the phrase “a bear[’]s hibernation” counts as one error even though it occurs several times in the essay; there is a missing comma in an introductory phrase in the conclusion (“If you want to learn more about a bears hibernation[,] you can check out websites…”).
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Other than a typo (“while the are in slumber”) and a capitalization issue in the final sentence, spelling and capitalization are correct.

The writer utilizes adequate evidence from the source materials to support each of the three main points set up in the introduction, but the evidence needs to be more smoothly integrated into the essay for a higher score.

There is evidence of the use of some elaboration, but some of the source material is misstated (“hibernating mammals have patches of special brown fur along their shoulders and back”) and the definition of an “eating binge” (“time or instance of carefree fun”) does not match the context of its use in the source. Large sections of paragraphs 3 and 4 are directly copied in the text, resulting in a low 3 score.

The language use is sometimes too general (“I hope you…learn a lot…”; “Food is super hard to find…”; “I hope you really learned a ton…”), but overall the style is appropriate and consistent throughout the essay.

This response is adequately focused on the controlling idea contained in the introduction, which indicates that the essay will be about a bear’s hibernation.

There is an adequate introduction, which begins with a rhetorical question, although the final sentence of the intro is unnecessary and could be deleted (“I hope you enjoy and learn a lot from my paper.”). The conclusion provides a sense of closure, although the summarization is rather formulaic and the final question seems tacked on and adds little to the essay.

Transitions between paragraphs are adequate but predictable (“The first statement,” “The next statement,” “The last but not least statement,” “Now you know all about…”).

The progression of ideas is adequate with each body paragraph covering each of the three subtopics in a lockstep fashion.

The response has no fragments or run-on sentences. There are a few awkward sentence constructions (e.g., “As well as people, bears/animals would drop a few degrees and would breathe slowly in a deep sleep/ hibernation.”).
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The writer sometimes uses the wrong form of frequently used words (“effects” rather than “affects,” “there” instead of “their”). The writer neglects to use the article “an” preceding a word beginning with a vowel (“a animals heart beat”) and also uses the wrong word in several other instances (“while” should be “during” in sentence 2 of paragraph 3 and “heart” should be “rate” in the final sentence of that same paragraph). In paragraph 2, the word “use” should be “us.”
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Punctuation is generally correct with some missing apostrophes to indicate possession (“animal[’]s heart beat”; “woodchuck[’]s normal body temperature”).
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There are no spelling or capitalization errors, although “heart beat” should be spelled as one word.

The writer utilizes adequate evidence from the source materials to support each of the three main points set up in the introduction, but the attributions indicate the writer focuses primarily on one of the provided sources.

Most of the elaboration is a restating of the quoted portion of the source material (“That detail tells me that during hibernation a animal’s heart beat slows down.”). The writer also makes questionable conjectures (“That tells me that when animals are hibernating their body temperature lowers, probably because they are not moving around and aren’t getting there body temperature flowing.”) and at least one obvious inference (“The heart is really important to animals and humans because it is what keeps use alive.”).

The language use is sometimes general or slightly repetitive, particularly in introducing or elaborating on source material (“in source 1 it says,” “That tells me,” “That also tells me&#8230;”). Overall, the style is appropriate and consistent but not particularly expressive or inventive.

This response is generally focused on the controlling idea contained in the introduction, that “Something happens to animals while they are hibernating,” with each of the body paragraphs of the essay addressing a separate effect of hibernation on animals (slowed heartbeat, lowered body temperature, and “what they eat”).

There is an adequate introduction that starts with a fairly standard rhetorical question and lists the subtopics to follow, and the conclusion provides a sense of closure, although the verbatim repetition of two of the sentences in the introduction is ineffective.

There are attempts at using a variety of transitions (“For example,” “It also says,” “Lastly”), but they are sometimes awkward (“As well as people”) or inappropriately used (“On the other hand,” which transitions into paragraph 3, should be something like “In addition” since the new paragraph is not presenting contrasting information.).

The progression of ideas is adequate, although formulaic, with each body paragraph covering each of the three subtopics.

Paragraph 2 contains two comma splices (“Near their time to hibernate they start slowing down, they no longer run down the hills and play.” “Scientist have taken blood samples from hibernating animals, they have found something that makes them sleepy.”) The first sentence of paragraph 4 is a run-on (“During hibernation the bears heart rate drops from 40 to 50 beats a minute to 10 or 12 its temperature would drop a few degrees and it would breath slowly.”).
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In the phrase “then pumps the energy in to the most important part…,” the word “into” should be a single word.

Commas are sometimes missing from introductory elements in sentences (e.g., “As they grow fatter[,] they start looking…”; “As the sky becomes dark[,] the animals…”) or are inserted unnecessarily (e.g., “And you, now know where they were….”). There is a missing apostrophe to indicate possession in “the bears heart rate drops…”

“Breathe” is spelled as “breath” in paragraph 4.
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There are no grade 5-appropriate errors in capitalization.

The writer uses information from multiple sources, although only information from source 1 is clearly attributed (“Like it says in the Do Not Disturb…”). The final paragraph pulls in information from source 2 (“These findings can help scientists [learn] how to make sleep remedies…”) as well as source 3 (“Hibernation keeps bears and animals in one place so it is a good time for scientists to study and test animals in hibernation.”); attributions here would make this a stronger “4” response for this dimension.

The writer effectively elaborates on the source 1 material, commenting and extending on it (e.g., “Having such a low heart rate and temperature would be almost impossible for humans!”).

The language use is sometimes skillful, particularly in the descriptions in the introduction and conclusion. While the style of the paper is generally appropriate, there are instances where awkward sentences would benefit from revision (e.g., “To sleep for four to five months without food needs a lot of preparation.”; “They search for a place that is strong and can hold for the winter.”).

The use of some rhetorical questions contribute to a conversational style and are appropriate to this task.

The introduction engages readers by asking them to “Imagine a valley forest filled with squirrels, woodchucks, raccoons, and bears…” and sets up the controlling/main idea, which is to define and explain hibernation. The conclusion helps unify the essay by harkening back to the introduction (“Now imagine a valley forest in the beginning of spring…”), although it ends somewhat clumsily (“As the sky becomes dark the animals all leave to sleep but this time you have to sleep too.”).

There are effective transitions throughout, including transitions within paragraphs (“Then one day…,” “Not long after,” “After that…”), as well as transitions between paragraphs (“Now you may think…,” “These findings can help scientists…”).

There are several comma splices within this essay: “Now, hibernation doesn’t come without a cost, animals need to load up on food…” and “And this eating frenzy, isn’t strictly for bears, other animals also eat to their hearts content during spring….” Other sentences approach being run-ons, particularly the second sentence in the final paragraph.
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The writer incorrectly uses the word “then” for “than” (“Finding enough food for the cubs is far easier then for the mother herself…”), and there is at least one issue with pronouns agreeing with antecedents (“While their mother is tramping over the river and through the woods…it can also kill two birds with one stone, and look for food for her young helpless cubs.”).
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The student has variable control over the use of commas, but some of these errors occur when setting off nonrestrictive information, which is a grade 6 skill. There are other instances in which commas are inserted unnecessarily (e.g. “That’s part of the reason why a well hidden den, is absolutely key for many bears and other animals.”; “One swat of a grizzlies paw, could only take a few seconds, at most.”; “And this eating frenzy, isn’t strictly for bears…”). There are also a couple of missing apostrophes (“hearts content” and “in a grizzlies life time.”).

Overall, there are no grade 5-appropriate errors in spelling (with the exception of spelling “lifetime” as two words) or capitalization.

The writer uses information from multiple sources, and the information is clearly attributed (“According to source 1…”; “Source 3 tells us that…”) and generally well integrated. The details selected are consistently relevant to the idea being discussed.

The writer effectively elaborates on the source material, commenting and expanding on it (e.g., “And this eating frenzy isn’t strictly for bears, other animals eat to their hearts content during spring, and sleep for the winter where food is nearly unreachable.”).

The language use is often skillful, as evidenced by such phrases as “a bear needs to consume nearly unfathomable amounts of foods” and precise word choices such as “utility,” “alleviate,” “tedious,” and “ill intentions.”

While the style of the paper is generally appropriate, there are instances in which sentences are awkwardly constructed and would benefit from revision (e.g., “Hunters kill countless bears, legally, and poachers are also a huge threat to bears and, they are often killed for their fur in waves by poachers.”).

The introduction engages the reader and sets up the controlling/main idea: “even with some lengthy requirements for a successful hibernation, hibernation is still a very useful tool for select animals.” Paragraph 2 provides further focus, narrowing the topic to be primarily about grizzly bears. The introductory information is mirrored in the conclusion, which summarizes the response: “It is now crystal clear that, while hibernation may be tedious (to say the least) to prepare for, it is certainly still a very useful instinctual ability for many animals.”

There are effective transitions throughout, including transitions within paragraphs (“However…,” “Hibernating also takes away the possibility…,” “So it become obvious…”) as well as transitions between paragraphs (“One of the best examples…,” “Coming back to grizzlies, another utility of hibernation is revealed,” and “It is now crystal clear that…”).

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An annotation is the educator’s explanation of how a portion of the student’s response relates to the rubric and contributes to that trait’s score. For example, the educator might explain how the response meets the expectations of a specific score point. An annotation can also describe aspects of a student response that relate to multiple score points on the rubric to demonstrate nuance when determining a score.

Annotation

One of three traits scored for the ELA performance task full write, this trait measures a student’s ability to demonstrate command of grade-level conventions of standard English: grammar usage (including sentence formation), capitalization, punctuation, and spelling.

This trait measures students’ ability to select and integrate details that support, explain, illustrate, or develop ideas. Students should elaborate these details—that is, explain and connect them, guided by the writing purpose and audience needs.
For informative/explanatory and opinion/argumentative writing purposes, these details come from source materials.
For narrative writing, this trait is called Development/Elaboration, and students are expected to integrate and develop grade-appropriate story elements such as descriptive details and dialogue. For these tasks, events and experiences are inspired by source materials.

This trait measures students’ ability to establish and sustain a focus for the writing. This focus should be consistent with the task’s designated purpose and the intended audience. Strong introductions and conclusions (or, for narrative writing, beginnings and endings) and transitions help to create coherence.

Performance tasks measure a student’s ability to demonstrate critical-thinking and problem-solving skills by challenging students to apply their knowledge and skills to complex, real-world problems. In the performance task, students are presented with a collection of questions and activities connected to a single theme or scenario. These activities ask students to demonstrate capacities such as depth of understanding, writing and research skills, and complex analysis, which cannot be adequately assessed with traditional assessment questions. Performance tasks are taken on a computer (but are not computer adaptive) and take students one to two class periods to complete.

Performance Task

The prompt is the text provided to the student that requests their response. It includes some contextual information, but also includes a specific task that students complete in their writing response.

Prompt

For a deeper dive into the content behind this student response, navigate to the Sample Items Website to access the writing prompt or visit the Content Explorer to learn more about this content area.

Prompt & Target

“Purpose” is the context for a piece of writing, or what the writer intends to accomplish. Students write texts with the following purposes:
<ul>
<li>Narrative (grades 3–8): tell a story</li>
<li>Informational (grades 3–5): present facts or data using source material</li>
<li>Explanatory (grades 6–11): explain a topic or concept by analyzing source materials</li>
<li>Opinion (grades 3–5): present and defend a position</li>
<li>Argumentative (grades 6–11): present an argument using research to form and support claims</li>
</ul>
Purposes have subtle differences depending on grade, and each writing purpose has its own scoring rubric.

Purpose

This text was written by a student in response to a Performance Task writing prompt.

Response

A rubric is a set framework for scorers to reference when determining the quality of student writing. Each trait has its own rubric, and every point value is defined in detail with examples of what to expect from student writing at each level.

Rubric

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Sample Term Two

Traits are different dimensions of a student response that educators evaluate when scoring. For example, an educator will assess grammar and spelling as part of the Conventions trait (maximum of two score points) but not take grammar or spelling into account when assessing the other traits. This approach ensures that scorers evaluate student writing from multiple angles.

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